To say that my anxiety is a friend would likely be stretching the truth somewhat. I think of it more as a relative that you don’t see very often, but when you do, they really make an impact. This can be a positive experience, but it is rarely drama free.
My anxiety pushes me to remember how to stay in the here and now and not spiral into the abyss of the future unknown. In the middle of my anxious thoughts, I am forced to remember what is real in my life and how strong I actually am.
I forget these qualities when I am busy living my life. I forget that there is this “friend” I try to keep in touch with, but am just as happy when they can’t find the time to fit me into their schedule. The trouble with that is, like all strong relationships, if you neglect them, they have a way of appearing in your life, stronger and more intense than ever.
It has taken me a lot of years to even consider making peace with my anxious alter ego. I’m fairly certain that I’m not all the way there yet. I may never be. For a person who suffers from depression as well as panic and anxiety disorders, finding peace is much like chasing unicorns. Some days it feels like I am chasing a legend and others, I can ride on the faith that it is out there somewhere and there is peace in knowing that.
I have a difficult time shutting my brain down. If you ask anyone with these kind of disorders, you will likely hear similar stories. My thoughts are often like a tangled mess of Christmas lights that you don’t have the energy to untangle. That can make it difficult to focus and difficult to remain rational and realistic. It is a paralyzing place to be especially when you realize what is going on and you feel powerless to stop it.
This blog is an attempt to share and to continue on my own quest of understanding my own experience with mental illness. In order to do that, I have to use humour. It may seem dark at times or even on the tasteless side, but trust me, it is the one sure way I have in the cohabitating with and managing of my frenemy that just can’t seem to take a hint.