Failure reared its ugly head a couple of days ago and forced me to pay attention.
Like anyone else, I try to look upon failure as an opportunity to learn. I try to tell myself that it’s those failures in life that make me stronger and wiser. That the mistakes of today will become the successes of tomorrow.
Blah. Blah. Blah.
The reality is simple; failure, on any level, sucks. I have to admit that to myself first, before I can hope to accept things gracefully. I don’t feel full of grace at the moment. In fact, I feel the opposite of grace. I feel whiny, rejected, stupid, and incompetent.
You see, for me, I take things perhaps a little further than some shall we say, more level headed individuals? That is not to say that I don’t get to where I need to be in order to accept and move on, it simply means that I have a series of “unconventional” steps I need to take to get there.
First, once receiving word that I have, um, failed, I have to automatically assume that I have failed at any and all things I have tried over the years. This one particular failure represents every perceived shortcoming I have ever experienced in my life. Next, I have to run and hide. If there is no physical place to hide, I pretend that I am invisible and therefore I am “hiding”.
Following that, I generally work myself into a state of complete nervousness that has me second guessing every decision I have ever made in my life. I believe myself to be a fraud and therefore undeserving of any positive recognition or reinforcement. I also believe that any compliments I have been given in the past should and will be revoked by the giver now that I am a colossal failure.
This process may take days, hours or even mere minutes. The point is, this is a process that is unavoidable for me. I accept that I am built this way. I will never allow things to roll off my back like the proverbial duck. I will never be able to go with flow. I have never, ever taken things as they come. Easy going is not my middle name.
However, despite the high drama I find myself embroiled in (mostly in my head), I do come out the other side relatively unscathed and looking fabulous. The lesson I have learned from this latest failing, is that my acceptance of the situation has occurred faster than it ever has before. I have not melted into a puddle and presumed that every undertaking from now on will be like this last one.
It has in fact, become clear to me that I am capable of managing any outcome, positive or otherwise and there is a sense of peace in that for me. The peace comes at a price (sleepless nights, never ending what-ifs), but come it does.
Now, I must end this entry and go and take my antacid which is key to my overall "dealing with failure process.” It used to be whisky in a flask, but I digress.